Over the years I have heard people saying “its always hard to know a
woman”, the lines with time is rhetorical. Among the men community the
are implied with a single word or action, but it has not always with
women that we attach these lines, Knowing anybody for that matter of
fact has been difficult. There are number of arbitrary steps involved.
Right from getting an introduction with a person to getting close enough
to get personal details and analyzing those details to come to a
conclusion that would act as a benchmark of performance for that person.
If the bars are placed at the right level, we claim to know the person.
The numbers of bars set right determines the degree to which you know
the person.

As there is so much work and time involved we say “ its really hard to
know a person”, though that’s true but when we compare this fact to the
exercise of unknowing a person, the effort seems inconsiderable. Try to
think a person that you know very little, may be about the personality,
few habits or responses and then try to forget those facts that you know
about that person, try not to anticipate the same action from him or
her. Its really hard. Becoming strangers once again, on a true note is
nearly impossible.

We may feel little uncomfortable with a person we meet after years,
whom we knew too well but the fact remain that we know the person and
will anticipate certain responses based on the known facts. Unlike
knowing a person, there isn’t any set methods or ways of un-knowing a
person, to become strangers once again, live the same life a surprises,
the firsts, the pleasure of knowing for the first time. Its really hard,
its really impossible.

This argument of mine may seem out of thought for a moment but if made
possible, it would be a sure shot remedy for may unclaimed, unsettled
feelings that everyone of us carry around. Its not about forgetting a
person, that we do, to a very comfort table level, but unknowing a
person, that is some thing we are never able to do. Its some thing to do
with recreating a spark that existed some time in the past between two
persons and slowly over the period has dimmed out. So we make a bit of
correction in the statement “its really hard to know a woman”…. “its
really hard to know a woman, that’s why they interest so many men”…

Becoming Strangers once again!!

Over the years I have heard people saying “its always hard to know a
woman”, the lines with time is rhetorical. Among the men community the
are implied with a single word or action, but it has not always with
women that we attach these lines, Knowing anybody for that matter of
fact has been difficult. There are number of arbitrary steps involved.
Right from getting an introduction with a person to getting close enough
to get personal details and analyzing those details to come to a
conclusion that would act as a benchmark of performance for that person.
If the bars are placed at the right level, we claim to know the person.
The numbers of bars set right determines the degree to which you know
the person.

As there is so much work and time involved we say “ its really hard to
know a person”, though that’s true but when we compare this fact to the
exercise of unknowing a person, the effort seems inconsiderable. Try to
think a person that you know very little, may be about the personality,
few habits or responses and then try to forget those facts that you know
about that person, try not to anticipate the same action from him or
her. Its really hard. Becoming strangers once again, on a true note is
nearly impossible.

We may feel little uncomfortable with a person we meet after years,
whom we knew too well but the fact remain that we know the person and
will anticipate certain responses based on the known facts. Unlike
knowing a person, there isn’t any set methods or ways of un-knowing a
person, to become strangers once again, live the same life a surprises,
the firsts, the pleasure of knowing for the first time. Its really hard,
its really impossible.

This argument of mine may seem out of thought for a moment but if made
possible, it would be a sure shot remedy for may unclaimed, unsettled
feelings that everyone of us carry around. Its not about forgetting a
person, that we do, to a very comfort table level, but unknowing a
person, that is some thing we are never able to do. Its some thing to do
with recreating a spark that existed some time in the past between two
persons and slowly over the period has dimmed out. So we make a bit of
correction in the statement “its really hard to know a woman”…. “its
really hard to know a woman, that’s why they interest so many men”…

Lost :.:!

The pages scattered before the dawn could break. They flew where ever they could to save themselves from the delight of being discovered, being seen or being read because the hands that wrote upon them never would have wished to. But still there are many choices that we cannot make so those hands could just wish and the pages can only run a distance.

They were discovered, seen and read but there wasn’t delight, there wasn’t tears only the sun set with a pair eyes watching it. The eyes waited till the sunset and the darkness over took its place. It was her eyes, the eyes that he always wanted to stare into, talk to but could never do. She got up and walked into the lights that may fight their way into the thoughts but they couldn’t. They just stared at her and became blurred losing their own identity scattering every where.

She walked in silence to the café across the street. She looked up the lit sign, read it twice in her mind and before she entered she read it once again. She had never been to this place, only passed by whenever she walked to work and that was everyday. There were moments that she never knew just on the other side of the glass, she was always there but never witnessed it. She sat on the sixth table from the door, right where he used to sit, right where she never saw him, right where the pages were written.

A woman somewhere in her 50s came and asked her what she would like to have, she didn’t answer, she didn’t looked at her either. She asked again but she still didn’t answer and kept on looking at the pages. The stood there for a moment then turned to move back but suddenly she turned back again. She went closer to her and looked at the pages carefully and uttered in confusion “these are his pages” and suddenly the girl sitting turned back with so many questions in her eyes that couldn’t be answered even if she wrenched every word written in those pages and word the woman would speak. She owed her life to him and she meant many things to him.

She asked the woman “did you know him”, the woman just looked at her carefully and slowly her eyes widened “you are she, I mean you are one about whom he always wrote” and she sat in front of her and asked “where is he” she answered “ I only know these pages and they just say that he ain’t here in this world anymore, he died”. Tears rolled out the woman’s eyes, she asked the girl did you read the pages, the girl said she did. The woman asked did you ever see him, the girl answered “no”, the looked out of the glass and asked “did you ever heard him”, the girl said “no”. the woman got up and went behind the counter, she opened one of the racks and brought a small tape recorder and placed it in front of the girl and said “now you can hear him”. The looked at her with happiness and sadness at the same time. The woman said I once asked him “what would you say if you knew she could hear you and he answered” and she switched on the tape, a soft voice spoke “I do know, I love you, god I miss you and I forgive you”

An Abstract page "And then...once again"

“And then….”…..its an expression that I mostly use, may be you too, but for sure I do it more than you do because I am a kind of story teller. This expression is always about the moment just before it and the moment just after it. If the moment before it hadn’t happened there would not have been an “And then…” and the moment after it would not have been so, amazing, awesome, fearful, crazy, frightening or even once in a life time moment. It would have been just another moment that would have passed by unnoticed.

It was a simple lonely night, though there were people around but still a boy lingered lonely in the corridor of a redbrick building. Some people passed him and he passed some, but the only difference was the people who passed him never tuned around and came back, but the people he passed, he always turned around to have the last glimpse of them leaving. Many left but you didn’t. You strolled around, waiting, like you knew it was going to rain that very night, that very moment. A strong gust of cool wind passed by him “And then …” as he looked out he saw you staring towards the sky, lightening, crackling, turning black with every passing moment. You smiled “And then….” It rained, like it rains rarely. Winds washed away lots after lots, of the tiny, soft droplets, but neither did the rain stopped nor the winds and neither did you.

You walked in rain, some times hopped in rain, may be sometimes sang in the same rain (I couldn’t hear, may be because you were too far), but somehow I wish and somehow I know you did, sing along. Calling it just a moment would be a misnomer, so I would call it an small “eternity”, why? May be because, though he remembers it faintly but still he’ll remember it some times in his walk back to the past, for the years to come.

“And then….” A story was made right there, right then, and nobody knew. This is how stories are made as the moments that pass by the eyes of an unnoticed connoisseur. That boy was me and you were you.

I don’t like to stop writing here, but may be you would like to stop reading here (that I still can’t decipher), So I come back to the present. The moments pass with time they overburdened with so many days of dust that they start fading, even though we don’t wan them to. I just wanted to renew the moment. All this wouldn't make sense because are vague, they appear from nowhere and disappear into nowhere, like an “abstract page”

The Rain, the words and they just scattered..

Tonight the clouds came in, it thundered, there was lightening and it poured, but not crystal clear droplets of water but complex words. I read them as they fell, and as I could decipher. Some made sense and some left questions to many answers, others just fell and crashed. An hour passed, there were millions of them lying scattered on the ground. I saw children picking them up, gathering as many of them as they could in their little arms. I knew the next day they would play with them and then some days later they would just be lying enclosed in some boxes, notebooks or just scattered. This is the fate, the end that words meet. People say words live forever, they do, but only because they embrace their death every time somebody has read them, juiced the flavor out of them and left them in search of new, but old ones.

This is what I thought my live can be, could be or would be. I tried to build it around words, so that it can last forever because I won’t live forever. This was just my expectation and sadly it did come true, my life lived up to my expectations and my words, still living. This was a dream many years back. I used to look at the sky when the clouds came pouring in, wait for the rain, and here it was. It wasn’t the beauty of the rains that I waited for in those moments because personally I never thought the rains were beautiful, it was just the moments of joy that followed that grabbed my insignia.

It was that one simple evening; I made my first call ever from my first cell phone ever. I dialed the numbers from my teenage fingers and in that teenage excitement I pressed some unneeded keys and the call landed to some much needed place. A girl picked a phone on the other side. At that time I was confused, was it a woman or was it a girl, but many years from that moment I knew she was a girl. She said hello and answered a hello in return. I asked who is speaking she kept silent, I asked again she still kept silent. I held on to the phone for a while then hung up. I checked the number again; I had dialed a wrong number. I waited for a while and out of curiosity I dialed the same wrong number again. The same voice again answered and said hello, I asked who is speaking and then there was no silence.

I heard cracked voice and then tears rolling. The tears didn’t rumble for me to hear them aloud. They were soft, they were painful and they were the last. She told me her name in that cracked voice and then said she going to kill herself in a couple of minutes and lastly she said “these are my last words to a stranger , remember me and find me” she hung up the phone after that before I could even speak. I called her many times after that the same day but it was switched off. I knew I never knew her but I knew what her last words were and I kept them buried but alive inside me in all those years of my life.

That was my first confrontation with words and that made me realize that words matter and they live long, longer than a man can, ever could. Many years after that I could find her and came to knew she died that very evening. She was 28 when she died and I knew she was with me the moment before she died. Some years after that evening; I graduated from the college. I knew I had to get a job but I knew also knew I had many words still living inside me to be written out. I took a miniscule job of a tour guide in a hill station and rented a small place up the hill. I more beside the lake than the touring people around, that ways I made less money and wrote more pages.

Many times I tried writing in rain, right under the rain. I sat beside the lake as the rain poured, just below the open sky and wrote. Drop by drop everything would get washed away and with in minutes the whole paper would be a gluey waste but still I wrote. Those words never stayed but they were the best words I ever wrote. After each such encounter with the rain I would get up all drenched in water and words , bearing a smile with a hint of sadness, over the gain and the loss and dreamed of time where I would have something that wont let the drops take away my words.

Years passed and my health dwindled with my money. My parents called me many times, came to visit me, tried to bring me back, tried to convince me to marry, but I did none of them. I stayed there. They left me money times, many times my mother would stay back for a couple of months till I regained a bit of health but I still continued to live there. It wasn’t that I didn’t fell in love, never touched a women’s lips, I did, many times but none stayed none could stay. It was not because I made them leave it was because I would not leave and most of them were tourists that stayed only a couple of days.

The longest time one ever stayed was for about 5 months, I married her after three months of her stay. For the next two months we stayed married and them one day she vanished. Some where I knew she would. She was also a tourist, I never asked her where she came from and she said its more important that she was with me in that moment. I always believed her for the innocence she carried in her eyes, but how far could she follow, she had to leave one day and she did. It was good for her.

In the years that followed I created a whole room out of my writings, grown a beard out of words I scribbled on small pages. I had money that barely kept me alive, many evenings my lovely neighbors would invite me to supper and in return I would tell their little daughter stories and rain, princess and skies. She would sit hours with me listening to my stories as her parents went to work. Later she started writing small ones herself. One evening a letter arrived, it was from my parents they called me to see them and somehow I decided that I would go.

I was going to leave the hill station for the first time in 18 years after I first came here. I gathered all the money I had and even borrowed some and one fine morning I left for my parent’s home. All the time during the journey I just noticed how much the world has changed since the time I left. It was brighter, livelier. I wrote some more pages while I was in the train. My train reached the city in the evening and I decided to walk to the home, it was just few kilometers away from the station. On my way back, nothing was the same, everything had changed.

I passed a store and in the window display was show cased a laptop below which there were these words “First water proof laptop up to 30 meters “ . I went inside the shop and asked the salesman about it. He said that the laptop was water proof and could be used even in open rain. My words wouldn’t be washed off now. I had to get one but the price was way out of my pocket. I came out of the store and looked up at the sky and the black clouds rolled in. As the first drop touched my face, I knew what I had to do. I went inside the store once again and slowly stole the laptop. I thought for that moment that nobody saw me as it was a big store and nobody was following me.

I ran some distance in the rain and when I felt it was safe enough. I switched it on and as the light glowed on the screen, my pleasure knew no bounds. My mind was filled with words and I kept on transferring them to the screen I pressed the keys. I was so engrossed that I never noticed some people had noticed the laptop missing from the shop and have found me there. All of sudden something received a strong blow on my head and I fell on the ground after that there were many kicks and punches that were hurled into me. But in all that somebody read what I wrote in the rain. That somebody shouted and pulled others away from me and asked me where I lived. I somehow uttered my parents address before I became unconscious. They picked me up and rushed towards the hospital but my low already low health could not take it, I died before they reached hospital. The rains had always given me beautiful words but taken it away at the same moment but this time they left the words and took me instead.

Somehow that some one through my parents reached my home in hill station and took my words to the words. Many of them were published under my name but I wasn’t alive to see them. Sadly my words lived longer than I did.

Thousand Possibilities

There could have been thousand realms of the possibilities that could have existed in the moment that I was. Sitting at the coffee table of a café on the street, the bright rays of sun had just started to pour in through the glass wall and on a mild cold morning, a little warmth was always welcome. The waitress came in poured me another cup of black coffee in the glass cup and headed for another table. I kept on looking outside on the street for a sigh to decide upon something very important in my life, i.e. that day. There was nothing special about that day, it was nearly same as this day but living in the present makes every day more important than the past one and as somebody said “the way you pass your day is the way you lead your life”.

So there I was, trying to give some meaning to the day it was going to be. If would have to die the next day or something, I would have been more focused on making that day seem more important to myself, but it wasn’t going that way. Even how hard I tried I felt same like every other day, so I decided to wait for a sign. Just when I was about to sip my coffee for the 10^th time, an asteroid crashed beside the café. It could have been one of the possibilities that could have happened but it didn’t, I sipped my coffee for the 10^th time and every thing was normal. I started yawning from boredom. Just then a two cars collided, not at a very high speed but driver of one of the car seemed injured. I ran out of the café, somehow pulled open the door of the crashed car and pulled out the driver.

He was a man somewhere in his 50s, wearing a rich suit. His head was seriously injured. People started gathering, so before much public could get around, I stopped a cab and took him to the hospital. The hospital authorities asked me the name of the person. I scanned his suit and able to lay hand on his wallet in which there was his license. I handed the license to the authorities and further scanned his wallet and cellphone to get some contact for his relatives. Coincidently his phone started buzzing the same time. I picked up the call.

A girl answered on the other side, “hello, dad don’t forget to pick the dress in the way”, I waited for a while, the again said, “hello, dad”. I said “hello, ma’am I am sorry to tell you but your dad met an accident on the way and I brought him to this hospital on the 8^th avenue, Hudson street”, “what, how did this happen, I would be there as soon as possible” and she hung up the phone. The doctor took the man into the operation theatre, mean while the police was there to take my statement. I told them what ever I saw. I waited for another 15 minutes and suddenly a girl came rushing in. she was trying to enquire every body about somebody. I approached her and asked that was the man in the brown suit is her dad. She replied affirmative. I took her near the operation theatre and told her every thing. She hugged me immediately and thanked me.

After some time the door of the operation theatre opened and the doctor came out, he said that the patient was ok and would come back to senses in an hour, before that nobody could go in. we sat on the chairs outside and I kept on consoling her. After an hour a nurse came to tell that we can visit the patient, we went in the room, the man was awake. He held her daughter’s hand and said “this is the right guy for you, you both should marry” and after some days we both were married and I was handed over a large business and I or we lived happily ever after.

Nothing of this sort happened, there was no car crash, no one was injured and no one giving me large business and his beautiful daughter to marry, but it could have been one of the possibilities. I was sitting in the stupid café sipping over my coffee for the 20^th time since the morning waiting for some sign.

An hour had passed, still, nothing. Out of boredom I took out my sketch book and looked around for something to sketch. Precisely there was nothing so beautiful to be sketched, so I just started sketching the street itself, with random figures in the back ground like a boat, a girl’s face and many other things which appeared as a water mark behind the street. I guess I spent about six hours sketching all this. I don’t know how many times the girl poured coffee for me, and how the sky was filled with black clouds and the sun has vanished . I was busy sketching so much so much that I never noticed that somebody was standing behind my back for the last two hours, until he said, “This is few of the best works that I have ever seen”.

I turned around and looked at him. He was some what in his 50s or 40s can’t say exactly, but had a radiant face, well trimmed beard and combed hairs. I said “thanks for the compliment”. He pulled a chair and sat beside me and said “can I see your sketch book” “sure” I answered. I gave him my sketchbook. He scanned through each of the sketches carefully for about half an hour and than said “I would like to have an art exhibition of yours in my art gallery”. I was shocked for a while, and then said “what, really, that would be great and an honor to me”, he said “ and also I would like to buy this sketch of the street that you just made, this is one of a kind, so how much would you accept for this”. I was in a thought for a while and before I could say any thing he spoke again “would $10,000 suffice”, I literaaly gaped at him and he said “I think that will suffice and rest we can also auction your sketches after the exhibition is over”. He signed a cheque attached it with a business card of his and gave it to me.

Few moments back I was this guy living from hand to mouth and suddenly I have $10,000 at my disposal and may be even more after the auction. It felt so good that I shouted “yess” and everybody was staring at me, because nothing of this sort happened. I know nothing about sketching, had no sketching book nor a pencil even, but that could have been a possibility. The street still looked the same, sun was still visible and I was sipping my coffee for the 30^th time.

I guess this coffee had sort of alcoholic effect in it, so to check I got up and started falling out of dizziness and caught by the waitress, which I never realized was so beautiful.

Well till now you must me wondering that even this happened or not. Well it didn’t but could have been a possibility. I am going to tell you any more of this because till now you would have lost faith between what really happened and what didn’t. Rather I would say nothing is true, there is no sun in the sky, there is no café, there is no glass wall and there is no waitress, beautiful or ugly. But wait, two things are true, first I am having a black coffee, which I just made and I wrote these possibilities, sitting in a closed room of my apartment at 4am in the morning, when there is no sun and my roommate snoring.

Well everything is not that great, but not that ugly either, coz there are thousand possibilities…!!

A kiss to forget

He really didn't had an idea when he started to think about her. They knew each other after they met two years back on a journey. That was short meeting lasted for only four hours and that too only a general one out of boredom in the train. They only talked about their work and day today life. They didn’t exchange any contacts, just the names.

Years passed he almost never thought of her till this evening when he ended up with the only relationship he had, in his quest to move away from this world he lived in, he ended up thinking of her. He just logged into his facebook account and searched for name. After scrolling through photos, he finally saw hers. He had to literally zoom to confirm that she was her only. He just sent a friendship request over, with the message explaining a bit of the past when they shared the moment.

Much to his surprise within two hours of his request, he received a message of acceptance of friendship on his cellphone. He immediately logged into his account and found her online. The chat grew longer and they ended up talking for about four hours.

Within a month they almost knew everything about each other.

She also had a bad relation which had already ended about a year back, but she wasn’t still through it. Some where they felt connected deep inside, moreover emotionally.

Two months passed, they still hadn’t met. He thought of her most of the time but never really felt the feeling of love for her. He cared for her and sometimes thought that he may love her if he may meet her, but wasn’t sure. It was on one of this evening when his boss called him and gave him tickets to her city, he had meeting scheduled over there. He had reach in the morning and leave by the morning.

He thought of telling her but really couldn’t decide what to do. He called one of his friend in the city and told him that he would be there and needs to stay only for the night. He boarded the train on 6^th was there on 7^th morning. The whole journey he couldn’ sleep , only to decide to think what should he do. As he reached the station he took out his cellphone to call his friend to pick him up. But before he could press the keys, he received a message saying good morning and tht she didn’t felt good today, just depressed.

He didn’t gave another thought and smsed her that he is here in the city and would be leaving by the night. She immediately called her, shouted a bit for why didn’t called him earlier. Finally she said that he is straight ways coming to her house for the day a her parents were out for a couple of days. He resisted for a while but she won’t listen.

she gave him the address and heI was there in half an hour.. she lived in an apartment on the 11^th floor. I rang the bell and she opened the door. Her hairs were unkemptbut in a cute way. It was the first time after he met her after talking so much. She wore a knee length payjama and a sleeveless boat necked top. She smiled as she opened the door.
He stepped in to the house. It wasn't too big bt pretty attractive. He sat on the recliner and asked " are you sure there won't be any problem with his staying here"... She sat next to him and said "no, and u'll be gone by the evening" "yup" he replied..
she said u go and take a bath while I put on the breakfast... He went
to the bathroom and after 10min her voice came, "hey the breakfast is
ready"... He was also done by then and He came out just with a towel. As he
came out she was standing just in front of him...she just smiled a said in a low voice "sexy body hmmm.." he just smiled back and went to put on some thing. he just wore a t-shirt and came back in towel itself.

she was still smiling..they both took their plates and went to the recliner...we just started talking and the topic drifted to emotional side and in tht flow he asked her....."u have been relationship, but you said never met the guy" she replied "no, it wasn’t like tht we met sometimes but always on the airport coz he always had to catch the next flight" i again asked "so have you ever been kissed"...there was silence for a while and then she answered "no, whenever we met it was always too public"...and again there was silence.

She got up and said I have some cleaning to be done, you make yourself comfortable. Her voice was low. she walked with slow steps, like thinking something. Instead of cleaning she went into the room. He heard some voice like she wept. But he didn’t had the courage to go there. After an hour she came back and sat on the recliner where he sat watching t.v.. her eyes looked a little weary. She definitely cried.

She said, pretending to be normal, what were you saying, when I left. He just switched off the t.v and said, I asked “ have you ever been kissed” further he said "u know a kiss sometimes brings every emotion inside us out...it releives us of all tht we can't let out." After saying this he just hated himself, why did he even thought of speaking it. That was it he thought, the next momet she would throw her out.

she sat looking to him for a while thn said "i dn't know why I m saying all this n also what would you think abt me bt i think u r the only person who have
the slightest possibility of understanding me...i don't know i love uor not but like talking to you..so can u just love me for a moment and kiss me , make me forget the pain inside me." he looked at her and "I have never taken the feeling inside us to be bad...u asked me bcoz u think I would undrstand...n i do understand, i have been through the
same thing" with this i shifted closer to her, i could feel her soft hands touching mine...i looked into her eyes...she slowly closed thm n her lips were ready to be kissed... Bt I whispered not now every thing has a moment and moment is not this. Its too obvious right now..i just touched her soft face and she opened her eyes with a small smile n said "thanx.."

she gotup and asked whn are you going to the meetinge" he said "its
already 10, I think i should leave" "ok"she said...her voice was
shivering a bit...He got ready and said "hey close the door i m
leaving..she came and before i opened the door He went close to her and
placed a kiss on her cheeks and said "i'll be back"...
He went to the meeting but for the whole time He was thinking about
her..He came bck and rung the bell..she opened the door..her hairs were
wet and she wore a sweet looking skirt and t-shrt.. He entered and said “I can’t say any, you look sweet”...she just closed the door smilingly...He just went and changed into some loose clothes..
When he came out he couldn't see her..he just looked aroind and found her
looking out of the window...
He went close to her slowly and wrapped my hands slowly around and
softly laid my chin on her shoulders and his face touched her soft
cheeks...
for a moment she was taken aback thn relaxed knwing it ws him..he
could smell her hairs. She said "is this wrong wht i m doing" he just
turned he slowly and gently placed my lips upon hers, ...even he
hadn't kissed in a while and even he needed to relieve himself frm all
the emotions he had suppressed...
Her lips were soft and their touch sent a chill in him and even in hers as he could feel the twitch in her skin...he moved his hands slowly into her t-shirt touching her back and then moved to her hairs caressing them slowly, they were soft and could still smell her intoxicating aroma...she held me more close to herse'f..now their bodies totally touched each other. There was sensation which he could not explain, but felt pure for that moment. He knew nothing bt he loved for that moment.. .he could the fast beating heart of hers against his..and kept on caressing her hairs to calm her down...slowly her heart slowed down and she was into the moment...their kiss became more intense they just wern't there anymore...

This continued for about twenty minutes and thn he slowly moved my lips
away frm hers..bt still holding her...he just whispered did you feel it
was wrong....she just opened her eyes slowly, were shinning water
floated on the edge and she said.."i couldn't had been more right.."

Eye Wall

Exactly 38 sheets of paper were scattered to my left. A quarter filled jug of water, kept just three steps away from me on the table. The remote for the television was buried under the sofa cushion with three pairs of unwashed socks next to it. The room was exact mess. Nothing was where it has to be but nothing was anywhere I didn’t knew. Whatever be the condition of my room I always knew where each and every thing was. But only didn’t knew two things. First how much money at any point of time I had in my pocket. Secondly, where my pencil was?. Yeah you heard it right my pencil, it was the item I needed the most and never had when I needed it.

I bought I pencil approximately daily. I am musician and the best part about me is there is nothing good about me to tell. The more good about yourself you have, the more you have to talk about it. People are always curious. I don’t like talking much neither answering too many questions. I rarely comb my hairs, I liked it all messed up. You can call me a perfect moron, but this what I loved to be. After the school I got into creating music and never went to college. I sold some pieces of music, as jingles and dubbed an album of mine which was pretty well taken. After that I started going out less. It was only Sunday which I always had a night out at the pub three blocks away. I usually sat, drank very little and only listened to the band that played. I just loved the band.

If you look at my wall, you’ll find thousands of eyes. I have this crazy source of inspiration. I cut out the section of eyes from every photograph I had and also surfed the net to download many more. I had this all made in sort of collage and covered the whole wall. Whenever I look at it I feel good. Its like looking at thousand expressions at a time. That is my inspiration, those expressions in the eyes. but for the past few months this hasn’t been working for me. The eyes couldn’t inspire me much.

I just hit a key on my keyboard and with the sound I decided I need to change. I wanted to study now. I wanted to join a college. That very moment I got up and packed all my instruments. It took me whole day. By the end of the day, I still wasn’t exhausted. So I sat down to decide what I wanted to study. I surfed a few colleges on net and the majors offered by them. I didn’t wanted to study music. After all the search I couldn’t decide what would I study. I jumped over the sofa and the t.v remote popped up from the other side. I switched on the t.v. and the screened opened to show a beautiful world below the ocean. So there and then it was decided. I would study marine biology. I hate myself for deciding this because I hate animals, any kind.

There was exactly no sense in what I decided. I have been literally flunking in science in whole of school life. But I am a man of my moods. I do what I have to, whatever it takes. In the morning I got up and got ready for going to some of the colleges. My getting is usually a pretty fast job because neither I shave too often nor I comb my hairs too damm much. Like those other gentleman guys. But that I somehow I shaved, even my chest and also combed my hairs. Pulled out a clean shinning white shirt and a blue jeans. All this didn’t make look young and dandy. My eyes are always sort of weary.

I visited a few collages, bought the forms and noted the interview dates for all of them. All the interviews were scheduled after a month. In true sense I needed that time because I didn’t had the slightest idea of what marine biology is or even what had happened to science in all these years. I bought few books. Even read a few pages but whenever I had mark any of the lines, I just couldn’t find my pencil. After two days of toil and even turmoil I knew I needed a tution. I gave an advertisement for a teacher who could teach me a bit but my only condition was he or she had to come to my place and teach me. I don’t go to peoples’s houses nor I could understand a bit in group study.

About four entries came. Two male and two female. The male ones were about in their 40’s and none of them was the opinion that I could learn anything, looking at the mess at my place. The females weren’t any young either. Somewhere in their 30’s. I didn’t knew what opinion they had about me. they just walked away as soon as they saw my apartment. One of them even freaked out looking at the ‘eye wall’. I guess she thought I was some sort of serial killer who photographs its target and collected their eye shots.

I didn’t gave up the search. The combination of marine and tution landed me to cuba on google. I looked at the number and called the agency at once. Somebody picked up the phone asked for my requirement and put the call on hold. I never told them that I was about 2000 miles away from them. After sometime a female voice answered. The voice was subtle but not charming or anything. She talked to me for a while, about me qualifications and my conditions. Finally I told her I was 2000 miles away in some other continent. There was a pause, but not of astonishment. Like then one you just have right before a deep thought. After about ten seconds she said, “how and how much are gonna pay”, my answer was “how are you gonna teach”.

You know payment in any corner of the word today is the smallest deal you have to think about. Money can be transferred to any corner of the world with a press of a button. I was paying ten times the money I would have paid to any damm teacher here and she agreed to teach me on phone. I was paying her enough to cover all the call expenses of the call she would have to make. I am rich boy, in the terms that the money I received from my last hit album, I never spent it at all. I multiplied with huge interests.

I connected my phone to the my 7.1 surround sound speaker I used while creating music and used a collar mike to answer. She started with the basics I needed to know. She kept on speaking and listen to her walking in my room. i noted whatever I needed to on my laptop, so that I don’t have to bother about my pencil any more. One week passed we never talked any thing except studies well it was one of my conditions no questions in personal. Then one day, while teaching as usual she suddenly said, “ how old are you?”. it wasn’t like a normal question. It was like she kept on speaking and suddenly spoke it spontaneously”. Even I didn’t paid much heed to it and answered ,”well I am 28 and how old are you”, she said “48” and we continued the study.

After that she continued this way only. She asked a question right in middle of the teaching and continue studying. I didn’t mind that because it wasn’t like any question answer round where you are bombarded with questions. I answered them. After another one week she knew that I was musician, what was the condition of my apartment, what I liked in food, how often did I go out, did I have an extra key to my apartment and where did I keep it when I go out, my favorite color and even my “eye wall”. Well I must say she was quiet a bit of intelligent conversationalist.

The next week to it, she didn’t asked me anything about me anymore. She told about herself. She told me she had a daughter, who was had handicap. She needed supporters to walk, and she was quiet a bit of an artist, her daughter I mean. On the last day of that week I heard her daughter. She was talking to her mother while she was teaching me. She had a pretty catchy voice. To be true I was impressed by her voice. The next week was the last one. In that week she didn’t taught much. She just told stories about what happened to her daughter and how she still lived with a smile only to do what she could do beautifully and now she Is a artist.

I didn’t understood why she told me all this but I didn’t mind listening to her coz I didn’t have to speak much neither console her. She just could make you listen. I had my interview on Monday, she taught me last on Friday, at the end of the lesson she just said “listen my boy, you’ll find the truth and peace in anything you do, till you find a reason for the things you love and still you not do.”

The next day was Saturday. I did nothing except laying back, watching television and waiting for Sunday evening. Finally the evening came. I left my house at around 5:00 in the evening. That night I didn’t even drank the slightest bit. Just stayed at the pub and listened to the music. I walked back to my apartment at 6:00 in the morning. As I reached my apartment stairs, I saw girl standing just few steps from the gate. She called a cab. Her voice was beautiful. The cab came she opened and limped forward. She pulled out the supporters from under her coat and kept inside the car. Then she turned towards me. Those were one beautiful eyes I had seen in a while, they had the most mysterious expression in them. She got in and the cab moved away.

I stayed there for a few seconds and the walked up the steps to my apartment. I unlocked the door and as I stepped in I didn’t have the slightest idea where was my everything. At that moment I was lost. My whole apartment was clean. Everything was arranged. All my stuff was in the exact place where they should have been. For the first time clear sunlight was coming from the window and falling directly on my “e-e-eye wow wall”. It had been totally transformed, all those eyes were arranged some how to match colors and form my face. Before that I never realized it could have happened. I walked towards the table. On the table there were some flowers, a picture of an old woman and a note below it. Which read :-

“ Dear son,

I hadn’t been well for the last three weeks. I was on bed all the time while I taught you. Nobody was near to me except my daughter but she also had her commitments. She always did more than she could for me. she made me record every conversation we had. And then we both used to listen to it in the evening. She was the one who made me ask questions.

I this last week I was in very bad condition and by the time you receive I may not be even alive. I wrote this only to tell you need to do what you love to.”

I dropped the letter and ran back down to the road, I knew it was futile. She was gone but I never wanted a ruin a possibility. She wasn’t there. I went up and opened my musical instrument. The same evening I created the best music in my life. I sent it to the music company. They liked it like anything. I never went to the interview and dubbed the album the next week. The next thing I knew I was I had to fly to cuba.

An Ode To You!!!

“A 100 days have made me older, since the last time that I saw your pretty face”

The story isn’t so simple, but not so complex either!!!

I have liked the day I saw you, but I haven’t been in the same state either.

You remained in the vicinity of my physical existence of moment only, I remember!!!

That was your first day in school and you neither looked cheerful nor in any ways somber.

I wished you were in my class but the destiny favored against!!!

You entered my class mistakenly and the memory of it doesn’t seem to faint.

The days after that I grew more and more on you!!!

And till dates I some where feel I am still somewhat into you.

I loved your ladybird cycle, especially when rode it!!!

But the fact crushed my heart that somebody else always accompanied you and I couldn’t do it.

As the days passed, there were many eyes that adored you!!!

I knew them all and have even seen some of them propose you.

I wasn’t the guy who would do such a thing!!!

I just stayed silent, watched you and sometimes sing.

In the winters, I remember you having a pink nose with cold!!!

You kept your cold hands inside your pocket, which I wished someday I could hold.

The red jacket and the black thread that you wore in your neck!!!

Wow! I would say and my heart would wreck.

Chicken, your favorite dish I guess!!!

I always thought you are so cute, how can I like you a little less.

Well those days are gone long back, after that I rarely saw you!!!

But by God’s grace I always saw you in a month or two.

Last time I guess I saw you in wave!!!

I followed you till Westside and now I think I was so naïve.

I have thousand times tried to sketch you with my pencil!!!

But none of them even came near you, as neither you were there nor your exact stencil.

Your hairs were the most the which I cared!!!

Your shiny eyes!! I wish they never have tears.

Now as far as my identity is concerned, it’ll remain a mystery!!!

As my life walking along you is long gone back history.

I am a loner after all!!!

Don’t try finding me on orkut, I don’t exist there at all.

I just one person of whom nobody has a clue about!!!

You may go asking about me from everybody from your past. But nobody ever will think about me with a doubt.

Lastly I just remember I never have said a word to you!!!

But that’s not what I regret now, the only thought I have now is I couldn’t know as a friend who are you.

I still wish if I could ever see you in the train back and forth to delhi!!!

I know you would have a least intention of knowing who I am, even I hope I never meet you at all.

“Now our miles are separate, it appears now I am forgetting your face”

Chicken Afternoons....

The story isn’t so simple but not so complex either…

We are simple humans with simple human instincts rather very cognizant instinct…

We strive hard to provide some relief to the nation…

You heard it right the nation…

After all its small effort that make a difference…

Like every good thought which is put to application…..

We also have critics, and serious ones….

Merciless, ruthless, agnostic and much more they call us…

These words surely pierce our hearts…

But our determination stands much higher….

People cram words every morning from economic times about food inflation….

But how many of them do something about it..

We took a stride ahead and we are called “rebels”…

The name doesn’t disappoint us; at least it gives us a different place…

But tougher has always been to maintain that place…

HDFC, KFC, KAREEM’S or the Chinese van across the road…

We fulfill our obligations anyways….

We are few pure hearted people, not some thoughtless goons…

This remains as a request to all, think a bit from our perspective and don’t ruin our “Chicken Afternoons”

An Insight

I was never denied my freedom!!

as i was always the last..

I walked, I stopped, I looked at someone...

and then got lost!!!

I sat alone beside a tree..

but didn't fell the loneliness at all!!

Every morning I felt like dying, even died...

but came to life as I saw the sun glowing like a fire ball!!!

My face has changed in years...

still my friends say i haven't changed at all!!!

Wrong or right I always followed my heart...

But my mind always came to rescue when I felt I am gonna fall!!!

My thoughts have immense dimensions...

But the only thoughts that shake me is the thought that i might not discover them all..

AND THEN....

And then…

It’s a expression, its feeling, it’s the happiness, it’s the fear…..of the moment that follows And then… it was that moment of life time that I would never forget…it started with a kiss that wasn’t for me….she kissed the small girl standing on the pavement and waving to her she stepped on the road….i stood watching her with many things in my head. And then…

I true sense I shouldn’t have known her but may be I was destined to. Thursday morning I had to go to the broker to book my new house that I have already finalized. It was two storey house with a garden and small swimming pool. It had a high cost but with my high paid job I would have paid back the loan in less than five years. Five minutes before I had to go to the dealer my boss called me to his cabin. I felt something in my heart the very moment. I got into the cabin and in straight words he said “your subordinates do not like your working style, you put too much pressure on them. So change your working style”,AND THEN….. I don’t know what mood I was I said “sir, I guess I don’t want to continue with this, so I am resigning. My resignation letter would reach you, thank you”. .

After I came out of the office, I realized that I had no job but I didn’t regret the decision I could anyways get another job. But now I wanted to live life in a bit free style so I went to my dealer and instead of buying the luxuriant house I bought a house that was also a two storey house but was a century old house on not a too good street. There wasn’t any swimming pool nor the garden. I just made the decision randomly. I didn’t even saw the house except for a snap that the broker showed me.

The only condition was that I had to shift the next day but I had already left my older apartment and had nowhere to stay. I had made up my mind to stay in the hotel for the night but the broker made a call, spoke some convincing statements, even about my character, that I was respectable man and so. Finally he told me that I can move in this evening only.

I didn’t even knew who the previous owner was. I was in a very free mood bothered about nothing. I called the packers and the movers that I have hired to shift to new location in the evening. The packers said that the services are available in the day time only and if I want they can keep the goods for the night with themselves and will deliver in the morning. I even agreed to that.

The rest of the day I thought of devoting to myself. I went t watch a movie, treated myself with a good and lavish lunch. As I moved out of the restaurant the sky was covered with black clouds the winds became cold. So I moved to have a long walk. There was all the possibility of a harsh rain but the winds continued. It was just 4 pm. But seemed like its already 6 in the evening.

I walked down the street thinking about my life how it had been. Right after the college I was hired from then it had been four years now, I progressed a fast pace, so fast that I just forgot how to live a life. I had to enjoyment, no love, just work. So right then I started to make my priority list first place was to bring all my old unfulfilled hobbies, then to make arrangents for enjoying life and the list ended. Love wasn’t on my list because it wasn’t sold and I don’t know how to find it.

I had already walked for an hour. The wind was getting harder now and the small droplets from the sky began pouring. I called a cab and headed straight to the house I bought, although it was a bit early but I had no other options.

After traveling for half and hour the taxi stopped. I wiped my window glass to have clear look of the house. It was in more critical condition than it looked in the snap. I paid the taxi and walked upto the door and knocked. The rain hadn’t started heavily. Before the door could open the electricity went away and as the sky was totally black the visibility had reduced considerably.

Then the door opened, a female figure was standing in front of me, I couldn’t guess what age she was because the visibility was very poor. But she looked to be in good shape so I assumed her to be a young girl. Atleast that was what I wanted to believe. She asked, “who is it” after hearing her I realized that my assumption would be right. I gave her my introduction, reason and apologies for being early. She stood silent for a while and then said “where is your luggage”, I again explained her the whole thing.

She said that wasn’t feeling good about my shifting in today as she lived here alone. I again tried to convince her. With a little reluctance in her words she let me in. it was even more darker inside every thing seemed to be packed in boxes. I said “ when are you planning to leave” answered “tonight”, I didn’t expected that to happen . even though I haven’t seen her face yet but I wanted to talk. I had’t really talked to any body for the last four years where I could say it was just a talk, it was always a meeting or a client. She said again “but it seems the weather won’t let me leave tonight, so I guess we both are struck here for the night, but don’t take it for any other meaning as such.” I replied “ for sure” with an invisible smile and a thanks.

She guided me with the meager light that was coming through the window. Than we reached a little less congested spot. She said “ make your self comfortable with in this only every thing out here is packed. I sat on the foor with my back against a box and she sat on another box. We stayed silent for quiet a while. I kept on imagining how she would be and I don’t know what she was thinking.

Than she broke the silence “do you have any arrangement for the food, because I don’t”, I answered “the weather isn’t good enough” till then it started to rain heavily I continued “ but no problem we can order something, atleast some one in the city would be ready to deliver” . I took out my cellphone but the battery was already dead, I asked her “does she have a cellphone” she replied negative.

Then she said would you like to have coffee, because the only thing she can prepare. I said “sure”. She got up and vanished into some corner, I kept on waiting not knowing where to go. After a while she appeared slightly as the darkness had increased, she said “would you like to have your coffee here, I am going to the terrace” I agreed to move up, she asked me to somehow find my way towards her and any how I did, then we moved up on the terrace.

She handed me the cup and we were standing under a small shade. The coffee cup had a lid on with a small opening to drink from it. I asked her what is this for and she said “for having coffee in the rain” and she moved out in the rain. The terrace was large and had enough space to walk. I looked at her walking in the rain sipping her coffee. So free as I wanted to be. I waited for a while and then moved out in the rain and started walking beside her. AND THEN… she asked tell me about your self and we started talking. I don’t know when the coffe ended but the talks didn’t the rain stopped but we kept on strolling. It was nearly dawn when we came down. I was happy like anything with just one thing bothering me that couldn’t see her face till then. She moved into a room and closed it. I laid somewhere between the packed items.

I the morning I was woken up by her voice, she said “I am leaving for the movers agency and would see me later. I some how opened my eyes, the vision was still blurr, I was her figure moving out. I shouted “wait” but she had already exited the door. I jumped over the boxes just to have one glimpse of her face.

I came out of the door and there she was kissing a small girl, smiling, beautiful.. I just kept looking, my heart beat became faster. She waved her hand to the girl and stepped on the road without looking at the road. AND THEN…

I shouted, I moved with every muscle of mine….but it was too late….a car drove over her…and she lay in the pool of blood…. I couldn’t do any thing, I stood there stoned.

The next thing I did was pulled out the list I made last evening tore it and called my broker saying” I need to sell the house”

One Life

Hi in all these 5 years (I guess so its 5 only) or may be more I never thought I would really tell you any thing about what all happened but I always wished to tell you but time never permitted. The time has changed and come to point where I knew it would be some day but never expected so early. So for the first time I am writing every thought that crossed my mind (mind it ‘every thought’), good or bad about our life. This is the most clearly and closely I am showing you myself to you…

16 july (I really can’t remember the year, my memory is blurring I guess) but any ways the date is right. It was date when I rather We joined the coaching, after I entered the room, I could hear only your voice, you were counseling neha, you spoke continuously and thought could she shut for a while I didn’t raise my eyes that day to see you, so I for that day I never knew how did you look. The day passed and next day was important, I came and sat beside rahul in the first row, neha was already sitting behind us then you came and sat beside her, you started talking to all of us rahul also talked, I as usual was silent. Even at that time I didn’t looked at you, then you said something about me rather praised me about the last day as I could do the drawing without much help, that was the point when I fully turned back to have a look at you. I won’t lie, I liked the way you dressed and carried yourself but I wasn’t attracted by your looks or to say in all these years ((please don’t mind, I said I tell you the truth)), your looks have never appealed to me too much.

Maam had not arrived till then and we talked kept on talking as usual spoke less and you talked, but that day I didn’t wanted you to shut up rather I felt good because all In my school days I had maintained much distance with girls as I was emotionally too weak those days. So when you started talking to me that day I felt really good. The class got over that day, you asked for my phone number and I gave you, in the evening while I was in my home you called and my mom picked up the phone, then she said to me some girl is on the other side, I was awestruck that time because till that day none of the girl had called me. Then the classes went by, after one or two days we went on the same way so I saw you once turning towards the inner part (where we usually went after wards from), I normally went the straight way from badshah nagar crossing, but that day after moving few more distance from where you turned, I decided to turn my bike on the same way, so I turned that way. I moved on the inside road, I couldn’t see you there so I decided to move towards my own destination, so started going staright and then you suddenly came driving from the front, you looked at me such a way that I couldn’t get the expression. I felt as if I was caught commiting a crime, I cursed myself for doing that, I straight way drove back home, but for the whole day I could get you eyes off from my thoughts. As our coaching was on alternate days I spent the whole next day thinking what would I say to you if you asked me why was I there.

The next day when I came to the coaching I met you outside only, you were parking you active, so I thought of moving fast and getting inside the class so that you would be able to ask me any question, but you turned before I could run inside the class. I my amazment instead of asking any question you said “hi” with a smile and began talking normal. I can’t tell you how relieved that time. But till today your I am able to get your eyes that off my mind, still I am not able to interpret that expression of yours.

That day we sat together, if you have noticed in all these years I never touch you, by touch I mean never even a tap on the shoulder for whatever work, because a touch always meant a lot to me. so on that day when we sat together you removed my had while I working tapped on my shoulder. All this was quiet new to me In way I liked it and in a way I didn’t. I liked it because of the fact that I felt I have a friend now and I didn’t like it because I didn’t wanted to get emotionally attached to you. Four days passed this way, it was the last week of july. I was alone in the house my parents were out of the town. I kept on watching T.V. till about 2’o clock in the night at the same time thinking about you. at about 2:30 in the morning I thought I should go out so I took the car and I was driving followed the same way I went to the coaching and in the way I crossed the way where you always turned, I turned my car in that direction and went in search of your house, I had no idea that you lived on that road or not or even how would I recognize that its your house in the night, I just kept on driving like mad person on the road in the night. The search went on till 5’o clock in the morning and finally I went back home.

The next when after the coaching was over you asked me which way I went and we went together, on the way we stopped and I told you how and why I left my house after telling that you held my hand and made me promise I won’t do that again. I really can’t say what I felt at that time but from that day you really started moving too much into my mind, I also told you that I wrote a novel and you asked for it.

The next class was on august 1, it was friendship day we were coming out of the coaching, every went from the upper part but we came down and walked from the lower part, that day you gave me a metal friendship band, ( I still do have it ) we came out, everybody was going to wave and we went there too. We were sitting at McDonalds when a group of boys took your picture and you told me and I went to those boys and asked them to stop that. ( I really can’t believe that I did that, you know me I fight and all those stuff), then you took a softy and you didn’t wanted to eat it but got no place to throw that so I did it for you. on our way back home I told you that I have brought the novel which I wrote. We crossed the indira bridge and turned towards your house and stopped, I gave you the novel there and you showed me your house from a distance and we went back to our homes.

The next morning was one of the turning point for me, you called me and started crying, you said you read the novel and kept on crying I didn’t knew what to say and what not to, I just felt a strong twitch in my heart, at that point of time I felt you have started liking me, (( I know it was my misinterpretation, but it was that way only at that time)), I had both the feeling at that time, I felt happy and at the same point I felt “no this shouldn’t be happening”, I didn’t wanted it happen because I made a promise to myself that I won’t falling into love any ways before joining the coaching.

The whole day passed like hell upon me, I just wanted to know were you alright, what was going in your heart, and I kept on thinking that if you loved me and asked me the next day what would I answer, I thought for the whole day and weighing every thing about the present and the future, I decided that I can’t love you because we won’t be together. So the final decision was to deny you if you asked me. I came to the coaching the next day and we met you talked pretty normal like nothing happened, you told me why you cried, and I came to the conclusion that I was wrong, I was relieved and hurt at the same time. But anyways things passed by. That weekend I had to go to my grandmother’s house in gorakhpur. Till three o clock I thought I would be going because I wanted to get away from you, or think about you a little less, but in spite of all that I just didn’t wanted to go. I boarded the train all the time I stood in the door trying to get you off my mind and In some corner of my heart wishing for the train to stop.

The wish in some corner of heart was granted, some thing got in the way of the train and the train had to be cancelled, I took out y phone, I only person I could to call was you, I thought thousand time typed your number and then again removed it it did this many times and then finally called, it was the first call I ever made to you (( I know the number of calls I had made to you are literally countable in these years, but wait later i’ll tell why I never used to call)), you picked up the phone, I had already rehearsed many times in the mind what to speak, but the moment you picked up the phone my mind was blank, I don’t remember much what did we talk, I only remember I told you about that I couldn’t go..

They train had stopped a little ahead of amity but in the interiors, I had no conveyance to reach the main road. Till that day I hadn’t told smit ((you may remember my only friend at that time, also in the novel, and while writing this I regret I don’t talk to him either anymore)) , about my going to the coaching or about you. I called him and asked him to pick me up from there. He came and while in the way I told him every thing about you. he was a little hurt because I hadn’t told him earlier, but he was more happy about I being in some what love and with a tiny chance of getting it. We were sitting in Aryans the same evening when you called up, you told me that you felt alone, should you love someone or not, and I suggested that you shouldn’t because after some months where you would be even you don’t know. I was trying to be practical in giving the advise or rather I was trying to make myself believe that I shouldn’t be in love with you.

Some more days went by and one day when we were going back home, a car followed us firstly you didn’t said any thing then when we turned the car turned with us and overtook us, you said he was your friend, then the car stopped and we went to the car, there you made me meet pankaj, the time I saw him, the first thought was how can you be friend with such a guy. I shook hands with him, the way he shook hands with me I just knew that he liked you. I didn’t gave him much of a thought, he went away and we moved slowly and it started raining……………

That rain, I still remember that moment, ((please don’t mind whatever I am going to say, I am telling every thought that came to my mind, that is why I am writing this, or may be you can mind..i am just telling))…we stopped and beneath that tree, I guess even you may remember that, we moved beneath it, the space wasn’t too much to stand and I didn’t wanted to stand too close to you, I tried every bit to stay a little away, I was getting wet by the rain on one side as I was little outside the tree in a move to maintain distance…I kept my neck straight trying not to look at you as far as possible, but then you said “this is the for the first time I am with a guy in such a situation” I don’t know why I turned towards you,…your front hairs were wet, some water droplets were flowing from you cheeks, even your eyelashes were wet, you spoke moving the wet hairs aside wiping you face softly with the hands, I couldn’t have liked you more in that moment, I just wanted to wipe the tiny droplet flowing from your forehead towards your eyes, I wanted to touch your cheeks softly and move the strand of hair sticking to them…..truly I just wanted to hold you in that moment………….that moment…even though I have imagined that moment many times……..but it won’t ever return again….may be that is what made it so beautiful…..you know I still pass by that road intentionally to bring back the memory of that evening… even though the tree isn’t there anymore but for me it will stay there forever……after that moment I just fell in love with rain.

Finally the moment had to come to an end and it did came to.. the rain lessened a bit and we decided to move out…we drove together, and came the point where we always moved towards our own way…and there we both slowed down our bikes came near…..and you called my name softly.. I turned towards you…your expressioms were just killing….i deeply felt you wanted to say something…you slowed a little more… I thought you would stop…but I dn’t knw what did you think…..you again said softly “nothing” and we both went away.

You may be thinking why I am telling you all this now. And I don’t know this all matters you or not but it was just I didn’t wanted to die without telling you all this. There is nothing that would come out of it….but its my way to live all that once again….may be you are also living it with me reading all this….

The days passed and one day while we were in the coaching you showed me heart shaped pendent in the magazine…it was of platinum and diamond studded in it… you liked it too much…there I decided to gift you that…the next day I went to Orra…I asked for the for such a pendent to be made…and finally. I gave the order ((don’t ask the price)). I got it on 1^st of September I guess..it was a Saturday I remember…our next class was on Tuesday….i waited eagerly for that day to come…I wanted to propose you..instead of all my reasoning to myself and even you I didn’t why I thought of doing it..i knew I couldn’t be with you and neither would I be able to go away from you after I was with you but whatever I was going to propose you….

That day 5^th of September was one hell of day for me….the hell began from the beginning itself. I had it all planned I bought a rose and also kept the pendent…I thought of taking you to the same tree and proposing you there and to my luck the weather also seemed that it would rain….I reached the coaching, your activa was already there…I just parked my bike quickly and moved inside to grab a seat beside you…but when I reached there you were not there rather nobody was there..i knew I came a bit early so others won’t be there but your active was already there…so where did you go…I looked in the complex next to our building…asked the peon about you…I just couldn’t understand where did you go…I was getting impatient and more worried …worried like hell…till then that tall guy in our coaching came (( I don’t remember his name)) I asked him has he seen you..he denied, but offered to find you with me took my bike out, he was going to sit behind me, I asked him not to come with me because I am already out of my mind the way I would drive can be kill us any moment..he insisted on coming..may be he didn’t realize what I was talking about that moment.. he sat behind me..i drove like hell…I never drove that madly in my life till today…I was just missed from getting killed both of like many times…finally he had to shout stop the bike I can’t go with you…I dropped him at the coaching and went in search for you again…but I couldn’t find you…

Till then everybody was already there and it was time for the coaching to start.. everybody went inside but I just waited outside… but as some minutes passed I didn’t knew , I went inside. After ten minutes of my going inside you came, I was sitting on the front row so I couldn’t turn back to have a look of you. I was just satisfied with the fact that you were alright and also I didn’t wanted you to see me with the expression I had then on my face..

The class seemed too long that day, the class ended and we were given some papers to be photostated after the class. We all went to the photstat shop across the road. There I was inside the shop getting things photostated. Rahul and you were talking. I guess rahul told you that I was looking for you,. any ways everybody went away and we as ususal went together on tha same way as we moved on the inside road you asked me to stop..we stopped and you asked me what was I looking for you…I tried to speak as casually as I could that yes I did but only a bit.. till then I don’t know why I felt that there was something wrong, my eximent of proposing you had already vanished away.. and the you told me that you were proposed by pankaj and you had already said yes to him..and all this while you were with him only, gone for a long drive him…

I just don’t remember what I felt at that moment, I was totally numb at that time, I don’t know I loved you more or I hated my self for loving you more…and then it started to rain lightly and from that moment I hated rain…I hate it till today….we moved before the rain started too heavily, you bought some medicine from the store and asked me if am alright and I said I would be, and I would forget her with in two months of coaching ends…I was right at that time..

You went back home and went to the bridge over gomti, till that time it had already began to rain heavily, I stopped the bike and stood near the railing looking at the falling dropd in the river…I took out the pendent from my bag and kept on looking at it …I don’t want to mention but yes I cried too and I shouted too….i stood there looking a that pendent in the rain for about two hours and finally threw it in the river…I still I can’t believe I threw it in the river…but I did at that time it wasn’t worth any thing to me except for reminding me of my shattered love…

The days after that I couldn’t concentrate on any thing I could draw, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t cried even, I just hated myself and more I hated the fact that I have to see you every other day. Some days after you asked me to keep seat next to me in the coaching coz u’ll be coming late.. I just knew at that time if I had to get you off my mind I had to start staying away from you or rather hate you and this is what I started doing and even was successful in that.. yes I hated you, hated you too much and I guess even you realized that, so started staying more with rahul, he became your more good friend of yours…with time even that hatred softened I didn’t totally recovered from your love but now I couldn’t hate you any longer but still maintained a distance from you.

Then it was my birthday, I only wanted you to come, I stood waiting for you but you didn’t came I called your home but nobody picked up the phone, I again thought a thousand time before calling you but any how made the call but when nobody answered I thought may there would be some emergency but the next day you told me there wasn’t any…things again went bad and decided I never call you back again….so you get the reason why I never called you and only smsed you… you may ask why did carry that for the whole five years…and the answer is not because that hatred continued no it didn’t,,,it was just that with time I liked it that way,, eben if didn’t answered I didn’t had to think much…

On my birthday only ankita came and from there we became friends and with time things went in her diretion..after that what happened you know…after I was with her I didn’t thought of you anymore, that time I was totally over with you..i loved her ….things went on fine between us….but didn’t went for longer…after one year you called me and at that time totally normal and accepted you as friend…I had no feeling for you except for friendship…the time when I told you while I was in the train, I had broken up with ankita it was for real…we didn’t talk for six month but when I went to delhi, things came back but couldn’t last long but I couldn’t break up once more, reason being I didn’t wanted to make her cry…with time we started talking very rarely like once in two weeks or like that….

That was the best time I was totally out love…neither I loved her nor did I loved you,,,that was the time whrn rahul came into your life and then one more guy I don’t remember the name…all that didn’t bother me, as a friend I wanted you to just stay happy…we were good friends even if we didn’t meet for an year being in the same town….every thing was fine I wanted to stay like that for ever…..i msged you and you best part was you didn’t answered back, you may be thinking that why was it the best part….it was because it kept the friendship between us alive without giving any space for love………

But things again began to change we met some where around in september again..i had to wait at riverside mall and you couldn’t come there because you couldn’t come out of the photo soot of the college…then we met at ice and spice…you asked why wasn’t I angry…it was only because I expected the least out of you…because you were my only friend…I cared about you..i wanted you to feel free atleast from myside that I am your friend beside you inspite of what ever you said or did…then you started meeting me more often and even calling me more…

Things again started to change from the day I had to go to jaipur in the night I helped you in the assignment till the evening then rushed back to the station….that day you messaged me that evening a message…I don’t know you remember it or not or what did you exactly meant by that…it was written.. ‘ I bother you a lot, I won’t say any thing to you and what ever I said forgive me for that…just come back priyank….just come back., I need you”

I may be a bit wrong in the exact wording but it was nearly the same..i guess I even have that message in my laptop some where…I received that message while I was at home only, I was just leaving for the station, I said “ no not again, not this time” I wasn’t going to do all that again, so I didn’t answered you that night even though I wanted to….i did know was I right time in interpreting the message or not but I did what I felt right… I msged you the next evening in a casual way and you asked to meet you as soon I come back from jaipur and we met at Aryans gomti nagar,..may be you have become better or I understood the message wrong… in a casual way you asked me about us and about possibility of our falling in love…I denied it staright ways and explained you that we are not for each other…I was right..

But after I met you that evening I went to CCD after that thinking ablout what happened reading your that message again….i also of thought of ankita at the same time…I knew I couldn’t do that….i again started to make distance from you..but things weren’t getting better…I knew I didn’t loved ankita any more but I really didn’t wanted to fall for you…I wanted you to be just my friend but that it wasn’t happening any more….i was falling for you so I decided not maintain more distance from you after you birthday,,,after your birthday because I wanted to gift you something for you to remember me…but even that didn’t happen…many times I sat at Nescafe and a sudden feeling struck me to hold you, hold you closely tell you what I felt, how much I loved you but I learned to reason things more practically with time so even with difficuly I was able to control myself….but my pratical reasoning could keep things at bay for longer…

…so if you remember for the first time when I didn’t attend the call for four days in the beginning of January.. but couldn’t refrain longer… you had to fill the MAT form. You couldn’t get it any where, so that was last time I got the form…while we sat filling the form in CCD beside the window, you noticed my expressios going weird and asked me what happened I didn’t answer…the expressions were weird I knew that I had to more talk to you any more, I had to end it there, I wasn’t fair neither for you nor for ankita….so you didn’t heard from me the next 4 months, between that broke up with ankita because there was nothing left anymore..

After four months I thought I would be over you and could be friend again…but I came to fun republic to meet you…you didn’t came for a long time…so I was leaving but I saw you going up the escalator… I stopped and thought should I meet you or not I don’t why for that moment I became totally numb, I didn’t feel anything…that’s why you didn’t saw an expression of remorse on my face…I guess I had become a good actor with time pretending something else with that what I actually felt..so I could easily hide my emotions…after two meetings when I had to leave for bangalore…I decided to test you …so I sent you the photograph of that girl…that girl was real and believe that you don’t know her…she isn’t a friend of mine…just and acquiatance….

I wanted to know your reaction when you know I am going out, and you reacted in the way I thought you would but still I guess you controlled it ..so I madeher birthdate same as yours and then you were totally annoyed….i don’t it was the anged of that you spoke so much the other day about my not giving you any contact, any reach of mine or what….

I knew you were going I really don’t wanted to make another lose too close to me so I again decided to move away…on the day when you went to meet rahul and Danish….when you came out of the house I just close to your house, I could see you,,,after moving a little distance you stopped just in front of me but on the other side of the road, I thought you saw me but you wrapped your duppata around face and went away…that was the last time I saw you………..

SO this was the whole journey of these five years ..i have put it as short as possible…I know you don’t like reading too much but I couldn’t make it shorter…….. in all the time when I loved you I never tried to show you any part of it …I never tried to show even the slightest of care I had for you so that you won’t come to know….i never talked on phone in the tone I wanted to speak,, I wanted to speak with lots of love in the softest voice I could but I never did, talked in the most straight voice I could……

Now comes the question what now……answer is “NOTHING” everything has passed…